I have always been a quiet person but lately I've been struggling with stillness. For example, driving in the car without being on the phone or listening to music has become almost impossible for me. The house walls seem to be closing in on me and I take unnecessary trips to places where I might see someone I know and have an excuse to talk. Facebook is used to often. Texting has become convenient. I love how I can reach anyone, anytime. I've become really comfortable in my constant contact with people. I can sit here and compare how I am feeling with others in similar situations. I am bored and unmotivated and instead of feeling compelled to seek after something great, I retreat to idle chit chat. The noise is so irritating but addicting at the same time.
I've been looking forward - for a very long time - to telling about adoption. I had planned on the introduction being full of lots of exclaimation points to all the wonderful words that adoption evoke for us: Love! Mercy! Grace! Child! Joy! But, sometimes life doesn't fit so neatly into such blog posts as that one I had written in my head. Wrapping this particular story up into a tidy, presentable, honest and coherent tale for you is not coming easily for me. Doing so without leaving myself open to attack, when I already feel so vulnerable, seems impossible.
We've been "officially" waiting for one entire year now but it seems like so much longer. I'd like to think I've handled the wait pretty well. I've felt confident of the process and have taken pleasure in taking this time to grow and prepare. However, as we crossed the one year mark, I feel restless.
To be honest, I'd rather just skip over this waiting chapter of our lives entirely and show you the happy ending, leaving out the hard middle part. But that doesn't feel like the 'right' and honest thing to do. Because if there is one thing I have learned in this, our short time beginning to adopt, it is that there with all the life and beauty and glory in the home comes just as much mess, heartbreak and exhaustion. They go hand in hand, they are one in the same.
I believe the waiting has me so tied up in discomfort that I've become more needy, more dependent on people, more sensitive and emotional than ever. The sad thing is, I am turning away from the one who can sustain me and understands. Our heavenly father wants me to find refuge in Him but I am trying to stand on my own feet and busy myself with "stuff". I am coming up incredibly frustrated. Last night I was reminded of what makes me speechless. What takes your breath away and leaves you shaking your head, thinking only, "I have nothing to say." It is this world that fills in the "noise". Last night I heard the wise words of a friend that resonated deeply with what is going on in my heart. As she shared her amazing story, it is so obvious to see how God is the one leading. I have grown this past year but I've also picked up habits that fill in the blank space. Productivity isn't going to bring home our little one and it is ok to rest in peace knowing this plan is God's plan. The wait is tough...but God knows I need it. The wait makes me wonder if we went in the right direction or if we need to redirect. The wait brings doubt and heartache. It brings questions and judgment and criticisms from others. It questions what our motives are. The wait also teaches, prepares, and humbles what is in my heart. It is not about us! If we spend our entire life waiting, so let it be.
In my youth, being quiet was in my nature. My thoughts were clear, and I got lost in my projects. I was most creative and motivated in spirit. Lately, my own weaknesses have me questioning and dependent and wondering what next big thing I can control. Today, I yearn the quietness. I yearn the refuge and I repent in the fact that I have led myself comfortably instead of humbling seeking His way.
