Warmth

Since December the kids and I have been passing around sickness like a mad game of hot potato. At least once a week, I am pressing my lips against someone's forehead to determine whether or not to give out yet another dose of medication. With my check to their hairlines, I can roughly estimate how high the fever is. I admit, however, to feeling a little sheepish when I call the doctor's office with questions about the symptoms and I can't back up my statement of "He's had a fever for two days," with any sort of concrete numbers.  

This winter my favorite hangout has been the sauna at the YMCA. (I will not admit to your face that I was the girl who fell asleep in the sauna in early January while recovering from a nasty head cold.) I sit in there, heat cranking, eyes closed, dreaming of the Arizona desert. The heat is my therapy, my release, and as I sit, sweating and dreaming, I imagine the toxins beading up on my skin and leaving my body. Last weekend, I was drawn to a natural vitamin store as my ears were plugged and felt like too much dairy was the culprit. The very nice and informative saleswoman claimed that I have damp air inside me. She went on for 30 minutes on how my internal doshi is not fiery enough and my small frame, fair skin, quiet demeanor needs to be ignited. She sold me some crazy ancient remedy that is supposed to warm me up and dry me out. The incident still makes me laugh but the most amazing thing is, is that I think it is working. 

February has been growing on me in recent years. The slow pace, the winter lethargy feels fittingly reflective of many of the wild animals outside our door in their own state of slower winter activity. The squirrels don't seem so irritating to me as they aren't in their usual ramped up franticness. As I look ahead to the busy days of spring to come, I know that our time will soon be full of hard work and extended energy from dawn to dusk. This period of rest that is my February is essential preparation for what is to come next.

I've been busy in a slow sort of way. Looking around me, I see evidence of planning for what is ahead. Projects in the making, works in progress, at every corner. 

sewing: I am finally getting to Clare's wall hanging. I love it and I cherish the thought that I will be able to  to pass it to a granddaughter someday.

I got this crazy urge to take up crocheting and making a treasured wool blanket for the bed of our Ethiopian child. The blanket will roughly take me a year so I am happy to have a project to help pass the time. My thoughts will be devoted to our child during the handiwork and will give so many hours devoted to prayer for our child. 

planning: Plans for the garden have been mentally thought out. I am looking forward to seeing last years ideas come into bloom this year. I love how every year I need to be conscious of how this year's work leads to next year. It is all about building, growing, and accumulating. 

fixing: We've had our share of water issues this past year but I am happy to say I think everything has been resolved today, including a blue problem. In fear of our skin turning blue and frequent trips to the bathroom because of a copper increase, we had the issue resolved quickly. 

Certain things make me warm. A good cup of coffee or tea, good friends who love me as I am, the oven baking something, the sound of my kids playing, family walks, the sweet relief of having worked out, card games, my husband's hand on my back, family movie night, the moments when everything seems to make sense. These things get me through the cold times, warmth spreads through my body, bringing me back to life.

So while I've needed to take many days off this winter, while sickness works it's way through the lot of us. We have had more sweet times, listening to each other, commiserating with each other, smelling of vicks and laughing about who is sicker. Really, it's not so awful - calendars can be cleared, to-do lists can be put aside. Sometimes a little family slow-down is in perfect order. 

What I want for my kids

I can't even begin to tell you how many prayers I've shot up to God begging Him for guidance in parenthood! Often my prayer goes something like this... "Please Lord, don't let me mess my kids up! Cover me in your grace... AND cover my children's ears and heart from anything I say or do that doesn't reflect you well!" If you're a mom, I'm sure you'd agree, we just desperately want the best for our children and hope that we don't get in the way of just that!

This week has been crazy. Everyone has been going a different direction and we have a lot going on. In all the commotion I came to realize that my kids are growing up! Yes, I know... this shouldn't have come as a surprise to me! All kids do it, I've had years to prep myself for it, yet is comes at a surprise of how quickly it all happens. I was bombarded with the reality that time is so precious and that investing in that time is everything! This sentimental mom moment carried my thoughts to a topic that has been re-occuring in the last few months...

What is our deepest desire for our children? And how are Troy and I, as the parents, cultivating in them this desire?

And this, I recently read...
"My daily prayer is that God would use (your) victories, wounds, and transgressions forged along the way to encourage others to risk losing everything to know the life God dreams for them, for you... Your journey will be where God's pleasure and your purpose meet, not mine. Your destination is the same as mine- an intimate encounter between you and your Creator- but your route will be filled with adventures, both mild and wild, made just for you. No less challenging. No less exhilarating. Uniquely yours. As when Abraham placed Isaac on the altar, when we're ready to risk what we hold most sacred, we step into that adventurous life, the only one that matters. There we find our purpose and feel His pleasure- His delight in us." Passport Through Darkness by Kimberly L. Smith

I have found only recently the courage to step out and feel God's purpose in my life. It is difficult to do so when life is moving so quickly. When fear creeps in and doubt weighs heavy on my heart, thinking about all four of my kids eyes watching, soaking in every decision we make, brings me to my knees in prayer. I find myself begging for the courage and wisdom to live "this life on the edge- where so much is uncertain, maybe even scary, certainly out of our control; but also where true freedom lives" ....so that, they will do the same with their life!

And I continue to pray and probably always will, "Lord, please don't let me mess up my kids!"