Torn

I want the absolute best for my children. I want them to have a patient mother who takes things in stride. Thinks before she speaks. Listens intently. I want them to feel safe, to know whatever they do they will be loved in return.

Why is it that while I feel so strongly about these things, I still get impatient? I still loose my temper. I tell them I don't care when they whine incessantly. I tell them to be stronger, to try harder, I give them tough love that has no resemblance of love.

Our heavenly father is perfect. He has gifted me with these children that remind me of innocence, true love, absolute patience, and moment to moment gratitude. They teach me what is important. They teach me about forgiveness. These children of mine don't hold grudges, they don't have resentment. They look at me with honest eyes that have trust and confidence.

I never knew being a mom would be so humbling. And I never anticipated that the fatherless would so enrapture my thinking that I would completely overturn the picture of a traditional family. Adoption, at first to us, was a means to grow our family even more and by also caring for a child who needed a home. We have a heart for the fatherless so adoption makes sense. Over the past several months on the waiting list, something has changed. What I thought was going to be an appendix of my life – parenting – and what I perceived was one of the things that caught my eye – orphans – has taken center stage.

I've always wanted a large family. A big chaotic loud bunch has always inticied me. I knew I wanted many children but I can't say I handle it like a mom who "goes with the flow". I know that I will look back on this time and scold my past self on what I held to be important. Really, I have it easy. My husband is an amazing dad who encourages the spiritual growth of our children and let them be who they are. He has no control issues what so ever and has complete trust in our children. As I write this I have put all the kids to bed and I am snuggled up with a soft blanket listening to the football game two rooms away.

The problem with living such a cushy life in America is that there's an impulse to pretend that most everyone else lives the same, or close to the same. To look hard at the face of injustice and abuse - especially toward children - threatens our own coziness, somehow.

It's difficult to wrestle with the dichotomy of have/have not. It can't be tidied up and tucked away in a labeled box. It messes with my head. It kicks me in the gut when I should be sleeping. It's hard to process the lives of children in third world countries. Their existence involves crippling poverty. Hunger. Slavery. 

This Saturday, my children will wake up thrilled to the ends that Dad has the day off. They'll argue over whether we go hiking, golfing or swimming. We'll pay for one meal what over half of the families in the world live on for a week.

At the moment our children are sleeping upstairs in warm beds dreaming no doubt of Elmo, cows, and ice cream and will wake up with a mom who serves them warm oatmeal and waffles. I can not tell you how much this hurts my heart. I feel so torn in knowing that my children will wake up to a mom who complains of dirty laundry on the floor and spilled toothpaste when there is a child of mine out there who has basic needs that aren't being met like the warm embrace of a parent.

It is all about our attitude, isn't it? I ask, am I worthy of parenting another's child? It is very humbling noticing our own flaws and contemplating on how others see us and furthermore seeing ourselves as God intended us to be and noticing how we fall short. I pray that in our time waiting, God changes me by reminding me to be more grateful and less efficient. Gather with me to take the time and anchor this moment in gratitude and selflessness. Join me in praying for the children across the globe who lack everything we take for granted.

And then it was time to play...

It's happened. They're back in school, and I'm not sure how that slippery summer slid past so slyly.
It's the perpetual groundhog day experience, each year at the end of school I wonder what in the world we're going to do for the whole summer to keep everyone busy and happy and then before we have a chance to check off everything, it's time for fresh stacks of notebook paper, spotless shoes, and the scent of newly sharpened pencils.

This year is new for us. We have a middle-schooler. What?! We quickly learned that junior high is a WHOLE NOTHER THING. We went to school before school started so he could practice his locker combination. Do you ever have those recurring nightmares? Mine is always that I'm back in high school and can't remember my locker combination or my class schedule. I wake up panicking every single time.

This year was hard for me putting them on the school bus. Middle school has got me all sentimental on how fast my children are growing up. Sweet Cole is in 4th grade and not a day goes by that I worry about his progress in school, however all his friends are in his class so he thinks his year is golden. Hmmmm. Clare happily skipped off to 1st grade. She could not be more ready for full time school. It is so strange to not have her around. The absence of her giant personality has Clark filling in the blank space with idle chit chat. He cracks me up. 

He reminds me to play because we happen to be right here next to each other. :)

Stand Firm

SO, I’ll go ahead and tell you–if you plan to adopt…put that seatbelt on…

I have heard it before...things start to break when you have both feet going down the adoption route. A few months ago, our frig broke, then the well pump needed to be repaired, then the water softener went and the tractor broke. Then just recently, our neighbor's tree fell on the trampoline and left a huge mess for us to tend to. Last Friday, Troy's car got hit and damaged while parked (no note left). Yesterday, my dad discovered that our circuit box in the basement had come away from the wall and was literally hanging by wires. That is the same day I saw smoke billowing out of the chimney, because of a furnace clog. Meanwhile, the kids seem EXTRA hard. The littlest ones seem to listen less, throw more tantrums, and fight more than ever. Our parenting strategies look like they are mere threats falling on deaf ears.

Sometimes I feel so weak and spread so thin. Sometimes I want to hide under the covers.

But I remind myself...

We are not called to back away…to chicken out…or lay low–but to TAKE A STAND.

Ephesians 6:10
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 

Some days I let frustration get the best of me. I grumble loudly, wear a scowl and only remember myself. I forget to appreciate my husband's efforts at work or the kid's desire to learn. I forget how thankful I am for our health and our house and our opportunities.

That, friends, is grace. And I don’t deserve it. I’m too busy wearing my Mary nametag and acting like Martha. Bustling around with worry and doubt.

We are called to be prepared–to know hard things WILL come our way and to STAND through the battle of faith not fear. We will not give up.

Georgia Vacation!

Our vacations in Georgia keep getting better. The kids are getting older, and the family keeps getting bigger. We had a wonderful time. We got up early and stayed up late. Us girls made food like we were running a restaurant and then layed on floats soaking up the hot summer sun.

I’m so glad Aunt T took lots of pictures in the chaos of it all. Here are a few of my favorites.

Can you guess who is a bit crazy on the tube?

Yes, I took some epic spills in the lake.  You won't find me in any of these photos, but I did have some awesome moves.

Troy proved to have the magic with the baby. I love this photo of the three brothers.

Right Now...

Right now, I am...

:: feeling grateful to have our leisurely family dinners back without the rush of a game or practice to follow.

:: enjoying the season continuing in the backyard. (LAX Season never really ends.)

:: loving the fact that our dear friends are in Ethiopia right now meeting their three kids.

:: praying that our time will be come eventually.

:: excited for a nice long swim tomorrow.

:: wondering if I will win this new Double Bubble client. My kids are thoroughly impressed I am potentially working for a sugary gum company.

:: planning our long 14 hour road trip to Georgia for summer vacation, a true adventure. Also, stopping in DC on the way back home and visiting little Ethiopia.

:: anticipating all the tasty food my mother-in-law and sister-in-law will feed us.

:: hoping to get up on water skis again this year.

:: looking forward to meeting our newest niece, sweet Elizabeth.

:: wishing you all a most lovely start to your week, whatever adventures it may hold for you!

Time Brings Confidence

Time seems to exponentially speed up once you have a child. And by the time child number 4 comes along it seems like you set them down to crawl around, go put in a load of laundry and get dinner started, and you turn around and they're starting middle school.



I am grateful I am where I am, though. College was great fun, but I'd never want to do it again. My 20s brought me marriage and motherhood, and while I certainly think fondly of my first year of being a mom, I am more than content to be right as I am.



I have learned confidence. I have practiced perseverance. I have discovered abilities. I have grown as a wife and mother.



It's that whole sapling allegory, you know? The one who is subjected to the storms learns to bend, change, and become stronger. My mind is stronger, my passion is brighter, and my love and ability to love is larger.



I'm thinking that while time is speeding up, it's worth it when each decade gets correspondingly better.

Hot Cars and Wise Women

Did I mention I love summer? I’m working on a post to tell you all about what we’re doing this summer but in case I never finish it, you should know that I love summer with all my soul. I love the early morning sunshine, the birds, the warm breeze. I love the kids sleeping in, living in our swimsuits, the constant fort making and making 100 varieties of popsicles. Every summer I institute big academic plans which I always fail at and cause much anxiety and stress. This year, there are no plans and I am liking it. We are going with the flow. Math facts and spelling practice is taking a back seat for a few weeks while I chill with the kids on the back porch playing I Spy and Clue. While it certainly isn't all magical, I do love having them around and I feel very fortunate to be home with them. 

This evening while I was sweeping water out of the garage (which Clark watered), I watched my neighbor drive down the street in this car.Another neighbor was in the car with her and they were picking up the woman who lives across the street from us. It appeared that my neighbors were all going out to dinner together. These three women are in their 70s and have been living on this street together for about 40 years. They raised 10 kids between the three of them and as one struggled as a single parent, and another cared for her dying husband, these women stuck together. As I watched them pull out of the driveway and head toward town, I first of all wanted them to pick me up, but secondly, was struck by the bond that they must share. I LOVE each of these women. All of them have made a life for themselves that is worth admiring. You can tell that they find joy out of life and take pride what they are doing today, not a decade ago. Truly, the three of them could write a book about their lives. All three so different because they were dealt different circumstances, but all three equally interesting and wise. So again, I tried to imagine my life in 40 years as I was sweeping out my bike cluttered garage. Will I remember this phase? Or more importantly, what will the young woman across the street think of me. Will I be an inspiration, or a let-down?